Scarred

Soon after my second major surgery last year I was in very bad shape. The anaesthesia did not agree with me and I vomited throughout the night almost forcibly though the attending doctor from the surgical team told me not to as there were chances that the stitches inside the operated portion of my stomach could rip off due to the pressure. But I just could not stop myself.

Anyway, the next morning the vomiting stopped. When the surgeon came to see me I asked him how long was the cut on my stomach as it was an open surgery. Although, having the most charming bedside manners, he almost rebuked me for asking that question saying,”It should be of least concern to you at this stage.” But then he explained that the scar would not be visible under a saree or a salwar suit.

However, that was not the reason why I had asked him about the length of the scar. I was mentally preparing myself and mustering the courage to look at a “defaced” part of my body. The actual worry underneath that unimportant, almost silly,  question was whether the ‘deface’ was too menacing to scare me of myself.

Many days later, on an impulse I doodled about it. I called it The Scarface. Surprisingly, the act of doodling was therapeutic as it is obvious that I can talk about it now without getting unduly disturbed.

In our religion, the non dualists believe that we are not the body. We are pure consciousness which is separate from the physical body. Anything which is happening to us is that which is being witnessed by our consciousness. And whatever we witness is an object outside our self or consciousness. I understand the concept cerebrally but for all practical purposes I identify myself with my body. The scars left on my body are part of me now and it took quite some time to accept them as they were/are.

Accepting them meant that I came to terms with what was going on inside my body that led to what happened to me. It was part of my journey and evolution as a person. Yet, after one and a half years I can think and talk about that part of life as well as that part of myself with equanimity. Acceptance does not mean negation. It means an emotional and mental reconciliation with something unalterable.

Also, I now feel we should ask away as many stupid questions as we can/want because ultimately these are not reflections of our stupidity but a way of processing what we are going through, adjusting to it and finally embracing it.

I am sharing the pic of the doodle though in my last post I announced that I was making this blog photo-free.

It’s one of my weirdest doodles. Not that the others are not.

I know I can’t hold a pencil or a sketch pen straight.

I am not even sure whether it really is a doodle or it’s actually “post-able” at all.

Still.

What comes to your mind when you look at it ?

I am really interested to know.

Tell me in your comments.

And don’t worry about being tactful and/or polite.