Once, when I was posted in Kolkata, my colleague and best buddy (an Anglo-Indian) invited me to a weekend gathering in her house. I was excited to attend a ‘party’ – an experience completely new for me.
As the evening progressed and the guests settled down, music was put on and suddenly a middle aged couple got up and started dancing. Imagine the shock because being a true blue Bong my idea of a social gathering, or partying for that matter, boiled down to a singular entertainment (call it enterprise) , that is, adda.
Adda is one of those untranslatable words whose dynamics cannot be narrowed down to a single parameter. It’s a dialogic exchange between two or more participants which can continue endlessly ranging from the most trivial to the most intellectually uplifting. For example, it can start with the acute disappointment with the local grocery store to the most happening next door romance or a suspected extra marital fling bordering on the scandalous to a detailed analysis on how Saurabh Ganguly’s cricket captaincy is a notch up than that of Virat Kohli’s to the more esoteric conversation on the deeper tenets of Karl Marx’s dialectic materialism and so on and so forth.
It doesn’t take much for a Bong to zigzag through discussions on varied topics which can, at times, be the cause of heated arguments (personal aspersions not excluded) and even resulting in temporary or permanent relational turbulences. After all, it’s the Portuguese blood which got somewhere coagulated into the local stream centuries back catalysing hot headed, passionate, partisan interactions!**!
Anyway, coming back to socializing, I guess it has different connotations for different social groups and is definitely country and culture specific. I learnt from a podcast that in South Korea for a couple dating means taking part in activities together like painting or reading together. In one of the Kdramas, the hero gifted his lover a set of colouring books and puzzles (supposed to be stress busters) as she was going through a distressful phase in life. No roses, chocolates or diamond rings – not that I am a believer of the tagline “nothing can express subliminal love better than diamonds” yet….
Cut two – the local para (neighbourhood). A boy and girl unnecessarily going round and round the serpentine gullies in a miasma of obnoxious odour rising out of the open drains by the side, with a perpetually dreamy look in their eyes – that’s the ideal , intense, ultimate, romantic courtship of a Baangali (Bong).
At least, that’s what it used to be in my hey days …. Ahem. As I am a self declared dinosaur I really don’t have any idea how millennials courted or the Gen Z initiated a relationship. I presume it would be more direct and ‘lets get to the brass tacks” type since it’s the age of speed. Given the pluralist society of India, I believe, every community and region, must be having their own norms of social exchanges. I don’t know either if adda has been overtaken by hip-hops or salsa with the globally attuned Bong crowd now.
In the North, adda is easily replaceable by dhandha (money making). Long time back North Indians looked up to Bengalis as the quintessential intelligentsia. In sharp contrast , in the 90s, my colleagues considered me as part of a community of losers who did not have adequate business acumen or money making sense.
Here, people seldom have conversations but only sharing of information on long and short term gains in investments, share market, kitties and committees (financial pools with neighbours or acquaintances), regrets on losses incurred in business (dhandha abhi manda hai) and the so called ‘profitable’ jobs on which an (illegal) income (called the upari) other than the salary can be earned. Point to be noted that when dhandha is not manda is never disclosed or talked about. I have all along felt at a loss in company of people where the mainstay of a conversation is the number of gold, platinum and other precious credit cards flaunted by an individual.
Down South, it’s again very subtle. The conservative, nose-up-in-the-air undertones are unmistakable. In between pleasantries, they’d very politely enquire about and form opinion on your socio-economic status – not how loaded you are or how huge your purchasing power is but what positions your forefathers have held in the royal courts or at the Nizam’s , how many qualified engineers and doctors are there in the close and extended family, preferably settled abroad, whether you have visited such and such landmarks in the state or city like the hospital or school which stands on land donated by one of their ancestors etc.
Of course, I write strictly on the basis of my personal experiences and interactions. No generalization here. Coming back to where I began and to cut it short, as dancing does not come naturally to me I’d prefer a slow opening up of meaningful (outside the mercenary) discourse anytime than tapping or clicking heels on the floor. And by the way, that’s purely my drawback. There’s nothing wrong in waltzing through a “knowing each other” evening in case you like it that way.
🙂 A fine illustration to this discourse
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Thank you very much Derrrick 🙏
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Very illuminating post Geeta. I guess over here the conversation is quite mundane. And I’ve never attended a dance party except the ‘dholkis’ held on mehndi/ pre- wedding ceremonies. And except on the wedding of my eldest daughter, I have not danced.
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Sadje, it was not a dance party that I attended but dance was part of the party – you could if you would type. Had I known it was a predominantly dance party I would not have accepted the invitation.
Here in India mindsets, attitude and conversations change with culture, cuisine language etc. from region to region.
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Haha! I understand. But I like the image you used. In fact I like all the AI images on your blog. I think we are restricted by our mostly segregated parties. The men talk of serious issues and women mostly talk about domestic issues. I like that you talk about meaningful issues.
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Yes, I understand 😁
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😍
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Every paragraph carried a new perspective. I thoroughly enjoyed this cultural journey.
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Thank you so much Rajeshwari. Yes, perspective is deeply regulated by culture and conversations.
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In England, we might have chatted about Marx in the 1980’s, but not nowadays.
Interesting all your cultural insights. And you write so well. 👍🏻🙏🏻✌🏻
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Thank you so much. Your appreciation means a lot.
Ours is a huge country and complex society which provides much to write on.
And that reference to Marx was to show how divergent and esoteric the conversation could become. One can now substitute Marx with Trump-ian philosophy, if there’s any, to make it more contemporary.
Thank you once again.
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My pleasure, gc.
Even a little island off the west coast of nowhere (here) is very diverse. Lots to write about. 😊
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True. Lots of history there, I know
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Such an enjoyable read! Every culture has its own way of connecting, but I’ll always have a soft spot for good conversations. 😊
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Thank you Maha. Consider me in. I am also all there for a good enriching conversation.
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A delightful read, Geeta ji. 😊
Your post beautifully captures the many shades of social interaction across cultures while reminding us that there is no single definition of “togetherness.” What one society expresses through dance, another celebrates through conversation; what one finds in shared activities, another discovers in leisurely walks through familiar lanes.
I particularly enjoyed your reflections on adda. It is much more than conversation it is a space where ideas, disagreements, humour, memories, and human connections flow without the pressure of arriving anywhere. Perhaps that is why it remains such an enduring part of Bengali culture.
Your observations about different regions are candid, humorous, and balanced by the disclaimer that they arise from personal experience. That honesty makes the narrative engaging rather than judgmental.
In the end, I too feel that meaningful conversations are among life’s greatest luxuries. Music fades, dancing ends, but a heartfelt exchange of thoughts often lingers in memory for years.
A wonderful, thought-provoking post. Thank you for sharing your experiences with such warmth and wit.
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Music fades, dancing ends but a meaningful conversation lingers on. I wholeheartedly endorse that.
The cultural extremities brought forth in the post is to just show how disparate and divergent our people and culture are.
There are always exceptions to prove the rule and no offence meant because again personal experiences have contextual limitations.
While the Bongs thrive on impracticality and hyper emotionalism, the North Indians, in my opinion, are survivors to the core and the Southies who are, broadly referred to as Madrasis, epitomise simple living and high thinking.
I have genuine respect for all. But as usual with culture, which is influenced by the respective geography and environment, conversations take up varied colours. But in the final analysis, all have their place of significance.
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This was such a fun read. I love how you map out all the different ways people “socialize” depending on where they’re from.
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Thank you very much Kymber. I am really glad you liked it.
Yes socialization has socio cultural connotations which becomes very apparent as you travel from one part of the country to the other.
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In Kashmiri language,adda means station or hub.Long back,Bus addas served as gathering spots where daily commuters,drivers and local residents discussed news,politics, elections spread rumours and shaped public opinion.
Adda has either travelled from Kashmir to Bengal or vice versa
I liked how you shared your observations making us to ponder and smile simultaneously.
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There can be an etymological root hidden in either of the soil. You have caught the nerve of the post very well. Thanks Nusrat
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I’m always fascinated by you and your customs, Geeta.
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Thank you so much Mary. So kind of you.
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This was such a fun read. A probashi Bong, but adda was this fun activity, outside, at home-the customary cup of tea, then conversations about anything under the sun, from the neighbour’s flower garden, to Pujo months away, from gastric issues to how Boroline can help cure it, an aunt nudging her son to recite or an uncle asking her daughter to sing 😀
I live in Southern India now and here the hang-outs in Bengaluru is about your work, AI, trips to foreign countries and quite technical! Each have their own charm but I guess we remain a little biased to what we have known as adda growing up.
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😊
You’ve said it.
Thanks for the visit 🙂
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Let’s party . . . Down here, we say there’s nothing like a Lagos parry !
The Yorubas, a tribe from South Western Nigeria, are known from their lifestyle to boogiedown and thouroughly enjoy themselves.
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I can make that out from your posts that you are a people person
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✋️ 😆 🤣 😂 🤚
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I’ll be watching in the corner than dancing in the spotlight. 🤭 I think even in our own country, we get culture shock sometimes because it’s not just a few miles apart, but hundreds or even thousands miles apart. Different lifestyle.
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Even I tend to take the backseat and like to observe people in the gathering.
How culture shapes conversation!!
Really…
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Wonderful Post… I especially enjoyed the tribute to the timeless art of adda.
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You should be part of one to enjoy it fully. Thank you very much 🙏
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🤗🤗
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