What About Me???

I believe in being truthful. So, even if someone is not able to see me I will not try to give a gorgeous picture of myself. Simply, because I am an ordinary person. Secondly, looks don’t count to me. Having said that I must also confess that I give a lot of importance to character and personality. What kind of impression a person makes when one meets for the first time. First impression for me is the last impression. Again contrarily, I will not take pains  just to make a lasting impression on somebody. My motto in life is accept me as it is. If you are not able to just let it be.

It is said that there are three layers to one’s persona. First, the one you think yourself to be. Second, the one others think you are. Third, the one you actually are.

Let’s go by the first one.

My friends say I exude a lot of  strength. To them I am an inspiration. I know inside I feel very vulnerable most of the time. I guess it is this dichotomy which makes one human – a combination of weakness and courage. A facade that you naturally reflect and a true core which is undisclosed inside.

My superiors felt that I was too transparent. I am an articulate, deeply involved, self-disciplined, self-motivated and hard working person who never says no to and is able to do any kind of work – that’s how my annual appraisal usually read. To my colleagues I was a boring workaholic. Half my working life I hated my job. The second half I more or less enjoyed what I did but my peers disparaged my achievements. Secretly, I feel they hated  what was available to me.

I have issues with authority. I may not openly revolt but there’s always a friction within. I guess my superiors felt it and left me to fend for myself. They never bothered to intervene in my work area and I take pride in saying I did justice to the freedom given. Though at times I feel my sincerity boomeranged on me.

Although recognised as a people’s person,  I am a hard core introvert by nature. I like to make others comfortable and willing to work for me because I don’t like intimidating and in turn  be intimidated by anyone. Relationships (working or personal) should be smooth and easy though I know most times it’s not.

My family thinks I am aggressive, vindictive, passionate and overbearing.   To certain extent it’s true. I can be a very good friend as well as a very hateful enemy. My third floor neighbour can vouchsafe that. They hate me from the core of their hearts  😜😜.

Recently, my sister gifted me a T Shirt which read “anxious by birth”. She said it was me. During one showdown she said it was my hobby to take stress. If only I could strangle her!!!! 👿😡

Though I present a “one tough guy” image I am easily cowered by situations. Fact remains I was born a weakling hardened by life. I consider myself the black sheep of the family and try to make up for my shortcomings by being a “hands-on” person. Needless to say I push myself too hard and expect others to do so. But I also admire those who realise their limits and give up doing what they don’t want to. In sharp contrast, I am driven by curiosity. And as they say curiosity killed the cat, I invite trouble for myself without intending to. I guess I don’t want anybody to say, “Oh! She does not have the capability to do this!” I’d rather people say,”OMG! How did she manage to do that!!!”

There are occassions when I have been prevented at the nick of time by my more practical sister from giving in to  foolhardiness. I think I have a fetish for the theatrical and dramatic. I love to imagine having the last laugh …. kicking the buts of those who have taken advantage of my vulnerabilities. I bet I have proven many wrong by sticking on while they have given up readily. I have a quiet way of looking down on them. It’s a luxury I crave to afford.

In short, I am one bad person who  occassionally suffers from bouts of forgiveness here and there. Generally, “let go” is not my motto. However, if left to myself I will love to while time daydreaming but life is not a bed of roses and I have learnt to be the thorn in a bid to survive.

One gives away oneself in an effort to hide. So, it’s better to give oneself away than others discovering your true self and contempting you for being what you are. I’d rather be on the other side of the fence even if it doesn’t make a pretty picture.

So, here I am. If you are able to take it, it’s good. Otherwise, just forget it.

PS: This was an engaging prompt as it made me analyse myself. More so because currently I am watching a series where all the characters are very vocal about how they feel  and what they want from their lives. It made me think!!! It made me want to understand myself, my feelings and my desires.

Just then….appeared this prompt on WP – an opportunity to do just the same. I pounced at it and this post is an outcome of self introspection. I don’t believe in lies. If not with others one must be true to oneself and one’s writings should emerge from that honesty. If it’s too hard for some to take it I am genuinely sorry. If you can still accept me I am there for you.

Take care

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