What More?

Daily writing prompt

What could you do more of?

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When it comes to what could I have done more there are so many which comes to mind.

I could have continued with my education. I wanted to do Masters in Sociology and then perhaps MPhil. I could not because of constraints which were at that point of time insurmountable.

I could have completed my music lessons which required two more years (5th and 6th – I left after 4th). I couldn’t because my Guruji changed base. I too shifted to my present location. The distance between two residences rendered regular attendance difficult.

One would say that these were just lame excuses. True. But at that time life was topsy turvy. I had just started working in an alien surrounding, looking for a place which I could call my own and getting adjusted to life in general. So even if these were important to me they had to be pushed to the back burner.

For eight years I traveled from one Metro to the other and back ( my place of posting and home town) once a year and I hated it. I loved to travel with my family. I loved seeing people travelling with their families. But it was not to be. Now, contrarily, I dream of solo traveling!!

There were places I wished to visit. Hill stations did not suit me. I suffered from breathlessness. Sea side attracted me. I visited a few – Goa, Digha but Puri, the entire coastal region and KanyaKumari remain to be seen.

Mountains are mystic and majestic. Now when I read about the Himalayas, picturesque but obscure valleys or the famous pilgrimages requiring arduous uphill journeys, like Kedarnath or Badrinath, I become wistful. If I were young I may have ventured to these places. But now the chances are very slim.

There is one more thing which I feel life is too short for. There are so many books and authors I have not read yet. A few have been kept packed as it is to be opened after retirement. But who knows what retirement will bring along.

Going back in time is impossible. On hindsight I regret having made many mistakes which, if given a clean slate, I will be careful not to commit again. But this is just wishful thinking.

Crossing borders is a dream. But I so wish to visit my roots. Well, it’s in my bucket list.

As my mother’s dementia gets profounder I wish I had spent more time with her just talking, knowing her as a person…as a woman. Strange, being so close to her, I never asked her those questions which now rise in my mind! From where did she get that courage and equanimity to absorb grief of bereavements and keep going on with life uncomplainingly?

I guess I have the same yearning for all my near and dear ones. Talk to them. Know them more as humans.

One activity I repent not learning seriously is driving. I could have been more independent. But the on-road fear was too big to overcome.

As I look back I feel my work life balance was pretty bad. I gave too much time and importance to work. It should have been the other way. Surprisingly, the amount of devotion I showed to work is not in proportion to the material success I have had. As I have said earlier my financial acumen is sub zero. Wish I had given some more time in understanding the tricks of the trade.

There is one more thing which I regret not starting early is writing. Perhaps I never realised it was in me. There is so much to share about!! That brings to the question of tapping our own potentials, knowing what gives us the most satisfaction, assessing what we are capable of, happy doing and good at.

Most of my life I have spent accepting and winning over challenges. They may seem very silly now. I had to get over my own inhibitions, shyness and clumsiness. Had I known what I identify with, these regrets would have been much less.

But again everything happens when you are ripe for it. So take it as it comes. Acceptance comes with age and experience. Acceptance of one’s own self is the biggest achievement and revelation. We, human beings, can never be without remorse or regrets. These are woven in our DNA. The only pity is had we sought what we were looking for the quantum of what more could we want of life would have been much less.