This morning reading Mabel Kwong’s very contemplative post on solo eating made me think how our eating culture has evolved with time.
Earlier in Bengali joint families meals were first served to the male members of the family. The women of the house remained in attendance to ensure that they were comfortable while eating. Most probably the thought behind this system was that the menfolk tired after returning from work should be served food first(?) The womenfolk sat down to eat after the men retired to their rooms or returned to their work. Sometimes the one who served (mother/daughter/sister/ daughter-in-law) ate last and at times alone. Widows in the household cooked and ate separately.
Perhaps the ritual of family eating together was a fall out of the western influence (?) The culture of eating out came much later but it was with family alone. Friends having a fun time eating out is a more recent happening.
Earlier, on special occasions when family got together elaborate feasts were cooked at home and served with fanfare. In traditional Bengali households taking guests out for a meal was construed as an affront to the culinary capabilities of the ladies of the house. Family get-togethers were considered the opportunity to show off the culinary and hospitality skills of the householders.
The trend of celebrating out, I guess, has started with nuclear families wherein mostly both the husband and wife are working and weekending out is a way to destress and enjoy quality time with children, family or friends.
We were allowed lunching with friends only when we got into college. Yes, we had to take special permission for that. Dining out was a strict no no. Even in college lunching meant snacking at roadside stalls or college canteens. No fancy restaurants or cafes. Frankly, we were not given a hefty pocket money which could be spent on feasting out. Sleepovers were unheard of. Solo lunching was unthinkable. Girls or women eating out alone even in the poshest of places was impermissible. Hailing from good families girls never went out alone. Period.
My first solo lunch was under duress. That too.. much… much later when I was working. My car was being serviced at the Maintenance Centre. I was waiting in the lounge while my driver was with the mechanics. It was , as usual, past lunch time. Ravenous, I took an auto to get to the nearest Haldiram (a known outlet), further down the road. Since past lunch time the eatery was almost empty. I ordered my favourite chhole bhature and sat down to eat. And I tell you it was liberating.
Nobody bothered to even look at me. I could wholly and solely focus on my food, satiate my taste buds at ease taking as much time as I liked and be with my own thoughts without anybody staring at me or passing snide remarks. Though, thereafter, I have never gone for solo eating again but I know if I want I can. That is again an option unheard of when we were growing up.
Even now I am used to eating out with my family. However, recently when we hit an ice cream parlour mid afternoon it was really pleasant to see girls sitting alone with coffee or ice cream tapping away on the laptop or just browsing on the mobile. It’s something we could never imagine even a few decades back.
Our eating culture has really come a very long way….and for the better.
Yes eating culture has definitely come a long way! I always enjoy my me time alone eating and this usually happens when we travel. I enjoy the complimentary coffee and breakfast alone. It is liberating 🙂! I don’t think my mom or my grandma had the opportunity to dine alone!
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In your mother’s or grandmother’s time eating out , let alone solo eating, must have been unimaginable. Yes, I understand how you must be enjoying solo eating. It’s freedom.
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Oh I have never seen my grandmother eating out 🤣! If alive I imagine what she would have thought about the world now! My mom does enjoy her eating out 🙂 not alone anyhow!
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Our previous generations would have had fits if they were to time travel forward to this time. Hee…Hee 😆😆😆😆
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We never had this tradition of waiting on men and eating after. We always ate together. Eating out alone for girls/ women is a couple of decades old now. I’ve had solo coffee and meal too, though I didn’t enjoy it much as I like company while eating- because eating out is an entertainment to me.
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It was a tradition in the Bengali household during the feudal era and continued later. In Bengal changes happen very slowly. But I guess this was the tradition in many Indian households if I am not mistaken. I know solo eating and solo traveling are quite common nowadays. It must have started with the millennials? As I do not go out much alone I am not in the habit of eating alone. But if need be I can. That is most gratifying.
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Very good to have this liberty.
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Yes, absolutely 👍
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At least some things have changed over time.
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Yes, everything changes over time. Some imperceptibly and some with a jhatka.
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Very true dear friend.
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You raise a topic that is interesting, Geeta. I hadn’t considered all the changes. I do think it is difficult for us to simply eat alone. We have to have something else to concentrate on, like our ever-intriguing phones.
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Mary, I think in our society social control is so high that an opportunity to eat alone for a woman is symbolic of freedom. Personally, I am not used to solo eating myself but I think options of eating and not eating alone should be available to all.
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interesting perspective
i’m not bengali but i was raised to consider eating out as a luxury.
there was no taboo on eating alone, but because it was a splurge, you would want to share it with family and not “waste it” on yourself alone. and you would save it as a special occasion.
even now, i’m much more likely to bring my lunch than eat out alone.
it’s nice to see we have more choices today.
it’s also nice sometimes to review the old traditions. because we have a choice, and a nostalgic lens, we can see the serving of men as respecting their struggles outside the home to provide for the family instead of feeling like the women are sidelined.
when it wasn’t a choice, i’m not sure whether everyone would have appreciated the ritual as much (esp the widows or worse child widows).
thanks for reviewing the topic!
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You are welcome
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Fascinating. When Jackie and I were first dating in the 1960s my only eating out had been in cafés with Luncheon Vouchers. She introduced me to eating out for curries
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There’s always a beginning.
Thank you so much Derrrick 🙏
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Interesting perspective. Maharashtrian and Bengali family cultures do share several parallels, especially when you look at older, traditional lifestyles.
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Yes, there are cultural similarities amongst many States of India including Maharashtra. There are similarities in the languages also.
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Thank you so much for the link and share. Really appreciate it. What a fascinating account of eating and eating out in Bengali culture. It has parallels with Chinese culture, like the part where you mentioned the women of the house ensured the men were served their food and were comfortable while eating. It also reminds me how some women might be the last to start eating but first to finish their meals as I’ve seen in Chinese families – first to finish to start doing the dishes while the men stay eating and chatting.
“Nobody bothered to even look at me.” It really did sound liberating for you to eat out then because you had to. It is lovely to hear eating out (alone as a woman) is more common over there these days, especially to enjoy something like ice-cream. Thanks for a reflective piece, Geeta 🙂
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Thank you so much Mabel for reading and commenting in detail on the post. It really adds dimension to my reflections.
Asian culture across the continent has parallels in many ways. Serving men first, seeing that they are comfortable, the woman of the house eating last and to ensure that the dishes are done and the kitchen is kept clean.
Men were not supposed to enter the kitchen which was considered predominantly a woman’s domain. Those who did met with social contempt. So, even if they did it was not disclosed to Even other family members. Much later even with the advent of nuclear families and double income men, in many families, were either reluctant or refused to assist in cooking and setting the table or helping in other chores burdening the wives with housework as well as outside jobs. It took time to change the mindsets.
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That’s a great point that the kitchen domain was the women’s. In Chinese culture at least what I grew up with, men usually only entered the kitchen when they wanted a drink. The roles around eating and dining in this sense is pretty defined. These days there are more progressive views around eating, but in some cultures the traditional mindset still remains. Again, wonderful to read your thoughts 😊
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👍👍👍👍
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I like to eat alone as well I enjoy it more. It’s sad that men were served first almost like women were less important but that’s just my opinion and it is your culture for men to eat first who am I to argue? I’m a bit ignorant about this I must admit as I’m not used to it. At least the kitchen was the woman’s.
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Yes, indeed, in Ireland, eating out wasnt traditional either, but now, now it is, and dining solo is too!
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Every social activity changes with time. Eating too.
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