With the advent of nuclear family the definition of family underwent a change not only in society but also in the books of the law makers (read government). Family meant husband, wife and children. In some cases it was also the parents of the husbands if they happened to stay under the same roof. But not the parents of the wives even if they were dependent on her financially and otherwise.
In many cases, a girl would not disclose her entire salary to her parents-in-law and even husband because she spent some part of it secretly to support her parents.
When I was working, I was not entitled to many perks because my mother was not officially considered my family though she was solely dependent on me in every respect. Some of my relatives as well as colleagues told me quite blatantly that since I was not married I didn’t have a family by their definition.
Many times my senior colleagues told me to stay back in Office and work a few extended hours saying, “What will you do back home. You don’t have a family.” For them the personal life of a female colleague revolved around either taking care of the husband or their children.
It took a lot of patience on my part to make my female colleagues understand that household chores did not only mean preparing food for the family or helping the children do their homework. Paying bills , getting odd repair jobs done, buying groceries, seeing that the household functioned without any hindrance while I was in the office also fell within the ambit of house management – areas that their husbands most probably looked after. It took a lot of time for them to acknowledge that the division of labour they were used to being married was not available to me.
Then there was the (older) generation who opened a conversation with questions like :
Aapke husband kya karte hain?
(What does your husband do)
Aapke bacchey kitney hain ?
(How many children you have got)
Aapke bacchey kya karte hain?
(What do your children do ? Are they studying, working or have you married them off)
It was hard for me to reply that I was not married to which the questioner always put on a woebegone look and said sorry. Why sorry? What was there to be so sympathetic about? It was my life choice. I thought I was saving a life from perpetual misery – this statement invariably fell on an audience non-receptive to the ingrained humour.
In our society inquisitiveness is not taken as discourtesy but as an accepted reflection of genuineness and warmth. So the next question would inevitably be why did I choose this difficult path which was almost akin to renunciation. It was an insane proposition to make them believe that my decision was by preference and not by any compulsion.
Did the same principles apply to the other half of the population? I heard many mothers worry who would look after their sons if they were not married off at the right age. Marriage for them was getting a socially sanctioned caretaker for their sons. For a woman, choosing to stay unmarried, was the end of life.
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You would perhaps have written a different description of family if you considered how much our society has changed definition of partners, homosexuality, sexual identity, adoption etc in just my lifetime
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I know societies have transitioned and become more tolerant and liberal but for a woman in a predominantly patriarchal society the stereotypes still exist.
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Quite understood, and who is to say which is better?
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There is no better or worse. Perhaps both reside together. We just have to navigate through them.
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Our society still thinks like that. A woman is recognized by what her husband or son does, and not by her own accomplishments.
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Culturally both the societies are similar. That is why Pakistani dramas are so relatable because they talk about the same social issues.
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Indeed. Very similar mindsets and issues.
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A thoughtful post. Also people don’t like it when parents decide to live alone but not with their kids family.
This reminds me of paper work we had to submit for getting single parent VISA in Norway for my FIL after the demise of my MIL. According to Norwegian law details of his son (my husband), his daughter (my nanand) and grand kids were needed. Nothing about me (bahu) and brother in law ( damad) as were not responsible for him 😁.
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Many parents in India nowadays live alone whereas their children stay abroad or in other cities. Perhaps they don’t want to lose their independence. They may also feel uprooted away from their family , friends and social circle if they have to stay in some other city or country in old age.
The Norwegian Authorities have exonerated the daughter-in-laws and the son-in-laws from familial responsibilities. 😆😆
Maybe exonerated is not the word but that’s what comes to mind.
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😁.
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Unflinching faith in your individual choices and values makes you unique and adorable 🌷
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GC, this shows courage.
Choosing life by personal choice takes strength.
Caring for loved ones and handling responsibilities alone shows true dignity.
There is grace in that.
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Thank you so much Mr. P
Have a good day
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The society thinks asking these personal questions make them a concerned citizen!!!
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Haha!
Good reply, Ganga.
Not just concerned, also responsible for the upliftment of fellow citizens. 😃
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😆😆😆😆
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Yes genuine, feeling and reflects their intimacy with total strangers
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😃😂🤣
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