While going through the recent spate of surgeries I realised how afraid I was of pain. I also realised that it’s not just the pain but the confounding bag of emotions attached to it that complicated matters more. The slightest prick of the needle was good enough to open a floodgate of memories of all the agonies I had gone through in life. I was surprised how I had stashed these painful experiences in some corner of my mind and how they tumbled out as I suffered now.
To the extent whenever some procedures were to take place my first question would be “Will it be painful?” At times the surgeon would be at a loss because my reactions were far worse than the amount of discomfort the procedure actually entailed. Even if it were a pin prick my entire body would stiffen making it more excruciating and unbearable. Had I been able to relax , I guess, it could have been little less painful.
But I was so stressed out. Not by the enormity of what I was going through now but by the cumulative effect of all the memories of physical pain that I had endured at different phases of life.
I had long spells of illnesses made longer by delayed diagnosis. Needless to say it was most agonising. I may have forgotten the gory details but what I vividly remember is the trauma of acute pain associated with that journey. Now that I was suffering the only thought that played on a loop in my mind was, “No! Not again.”
Life has a pattern. A set of similar experiences tend to repeat itself at intervals confirming that “this is the way it has to be with me”. It is this conclusion that stays and plays in the mind whenever something unpleasant happens. In my case it was medical exigencies.
Now in hindsight I realise I suffered more because I could not dissociate myself from the past. The tendency to hold on to bad memories was my undoing. What was happening to me now was serious and intolerable no doubt. But it was made worse by the fact that I saw it in continuity of my previous sufferings. In doing so I cumulated my agony. It was an ordeal aggravated more by my flawed perception.
All great thinkers have time and again given the same message: to let go. We often hear our elders tell us to let go when we are unable to forget a bad incident. Do we really let go? No. We think we have. But what we actually do is to push it in some dark recess of our minds and think we have gotten over it. When something dreadful happens our minds pull these hidden memories out and replays them so as to make the situation more distressful.
Unless we know how to control the mind, which is like a monkey, it will involuntarily behave that way. That is how the mind functions. But we have another wiser layer to us which can tell the mind to shut up. To not give in to what the mind insinuates. However we seldom have the sense to do so.
Exigencies overwhelm us. Pain intimidates us. It is disorienting, terrifying, tormenting and weakening. More so because we are unable to think clearly. The emotions attached to bodily pain do not let us. That is why emotional detachment from the body is so important. As I write I remember what I have heard from great speakers. We suffer because we are so deeply attached to our body. We identify ourselves with our body. But we are just not the body. We are beyond body and mind.
On calmer days, believe me, I repeated these to myself again and again. But to no avail.
Reading books, listening to lectures and cogitating over it are all very good and should be incorporated in our day to day routine. But imbibing these teachings in the truest sense, so that we remain unmoved by the ups and downs in life, requires a lifetime of practice. It does not come overnight. If I were able to be stoic in suffering it would have really been a litmus test of my inner evolution.
Disgorging from the past is very important. To remind oneself repeatedly what is happening is only now. The past is no more. So no need to bring it back. To cleanse oneself of bad memories is real decluttering. In orbit of life we come across both – the pleasant and the unpleasant. But surprisingly what we hold on to is the bad. The good is there somewhere. But it pales before the bad. Why? I guess our mind needs serious rewiring. Not once. But time to time. Forgetting perhaps is undesirable. But to really obliterate all the bad, all the pain that has been caused is the actual therapy needed. Not easy but necessary. In not doing so we inflict more pain on ourselves than what is preordained.
My goal is to depart from this world without any bitterness or baggage. I think this is the only way I can free myself accepting that I may suffer again but I will react to it a little more positively, patiently and without bringing up the past
All that happens with us leaves us a little wiser and stronger. This suffering too was a path to learning. I am revising the lessons learnt. And will keep on doing so till it sits inside like a rock.
This is healing.
A powerful reflection—pain turned into wisdom 🌿. Every line shows strength in the middle of struggle.
If comfortable, may I ask what surgeries were involved?
Philo
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Thank you for your positive appreciation. I had three major stomach surgeries. Now I am on the road to recovery.
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Glad to hear recovery has come—truly a blessing of the Almighty’s kindness 🌸
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Yes. It is.
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Dear Geeta, I am so sorry that you have such a painful memory that is still affecting your life now, when I thought you were not facing more surgery. Wise people say that most things are bearable if we know there is an end in sight. I do hope that you will have some respite from the suffering
Joanna x
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Dear Joanna,
Thank you for your concern
The surgeries are over and I am better now. Thanks once again.
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Now, that is good news, dear Geeta, you certainly deserve the best!
Joanna x
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Thank you so much Joanna 😊
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You are more than welcome, Geeta!
Joanna
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I hope writing this has helped the wiring
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Yes, immensely and this is a referral post for me.
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Abdomen surgeries (various locations) or gastric surgeries (limited to stomach). Did you cover this in your posts? Oh yeah, I remember, your posts were not showing up in my reader at one time.
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Intestinal
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And you are courageous, GC.
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Beautifully written, Geetashri. You’ve captured so honestly how pain is never just physical but tied to memories and emotions. I loved your reminder that real healing comes from letting go of the past and not carrying its weight into the present. Your resolve to face suffering with patience and without bitterness is truly inspiring.
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Thank you so much
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Dear Madam,
My whole day’s drudgery is forgotten when I read your post.
Thanks for liking my post ‘SilenceTwo’. 🙏
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Thank you. I hope the post did you good.
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Yes !
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Hello – best wishes with your healing! And I enjoyed your personal, authentic, and deep reflections here. And many of your comments – like this “Why? I guess our mind needs serious rewiring. Not once. But time to time…” reminds me of the wisdom of Cesar Milan. He is the guy that hosted the Dog Whisperer show and earlier this summer we watched a lot of his past show reruns. I was shocked by his profound, yet also simple, wisdom. As he talks a lot about our energy – and the way stress, panic, tension, pain, and other things are expressed in humans. He also has certain quotes, like one about “being in the now” – and sometimes also working through some past things in the now. very similar to some of the points layered here. It was fun to make the connection –
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Thank you so much for reading this post and adding to it. We dissipate our energy without knowing. It’s important to be in touch with your mind all the time. Not to obey it’s commands but to correct how it is thinking. Funny, isn’t it? That means we have to employ a super mind which guides our mind! Human beings are made of layers. The only thing is to look inside and recognise these layers and put them to good use.
Your comment was most interesting. Lucky to have you as a reader.
Hope to read more of your posts.
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so glad to have connected this month!
have a good day and best wishes with your healing!
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“To cleanse oneself of bad memories is real decluttering. In orbit of life we come across both – the pleasant and the unpleasant. But surprisingly what we hold on to is the bad. The good is there somewhere. But it pales before the bad. Why? I guess our mind needs serious rewiring. Not once. But time to time”– Thank you for this wise and much needed reminder, Ma’am! In fact, your piece has soulfully and delicately captured the experience of pain both at the level of body and mind. I too often ponder over the experience and possibility of healing the past. I know that can be a whole topic of reflection in itself. I’m still searching for an answer but sometimes I feel as if the wisdom of the soul holds the secret medicine for the pain in both body and mind. Please take care of your health~
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Very well put. You are right we have to listen to our soul.
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May your heart be filled with peace and contentment, dear Veeta.
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Thank you so much 🙏 Mary
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