Upbringing

Upbringing simply means how we are brought up in life first by parents, then by the educational institutions we attend, then of course, by the interactions with the extended family and friends and in the larger realm, the influence of the society and various agencies of governance and non governance. It’s a life long process whereby we keep on learning, unlearning, modifying what we have learnt earlier and adapting to fresh scenarios as they emerge from time to time. Our upbringing has a bearing on our personality and how we conduct ourselves in life. And also how our life proceeds.

Generational conflict has become a very common topic of debate  today in so far as parenting is concerned. There is a gap in understanding and communication between the parents and children. Perhaps it’s because both belong to different time zones. Today’s generation is more informed , is able to deal with technology, has more exposure and knows what they want in life or so it seems. The earlier generation used to be basically guided by  parents and elders, teachers and mentors and followed whatever they said was right and must. However, exceptions were there to prove the rule.

To be friendly with offspring is a modern concept. But what happens when the parents are old school? This is the crux of the Pakistani serial , Parvarish, (which again means upbringing), directed by Meesam Naqvi.

Jahangir and Suleman are brothers. Jahangir is based in Canada and Suleman is settled in Pakistan. Both love , respect and care for their parents. Jahangir showers expensive gifts on his parents , pampers Suleman’s children and in general expresses his love by expending money. Suleman is a job holder and does his best for the family within his financial means.

Suleman and Panha are doting parents and friends with their children. Amal, the daughter is an ace medical student and extremely caring and nurturing by nature. However, she takes a lot of emotional and mental load on herself which gives way to panic attacks.  Sameer is not such a bright student but is a loving and obedient son.

Whereas Jahangir is a control freak and believes in charting out the career paths and lives of his children because he has sired them. He does not believe in consultation with his wife Mahnoor or his children on any matter. One fine day he wraps up his business abroad and returns home with his family for good. Eventually it comes to light that his decision to come back is based on the fear that his children are going astray under the influence of an alien culture. Aaniya, his daughter, has psychological issues and considers herself the reason why her parents bicker all the time. Wali, the son, is passionate about music but is forcibly made to study medicine.

Aaniya and Wali are like fish out of water away from their known turf and friends, compelled to stay in a joint family set up sharing rooms with cousins, getting used to a totally different set of values, rituals and relationships and above all the lack of freedom and say in matters concerning their own lives.

Maya is Amal’s best friend. She is also an ace medical student. However, Maya’s father believes that her daughter’s security lies in early marriage so that there is a male figure in her life who can take care of her. Maya is, therefore, Waleed’s betrothed, an upstart who works in Dubai. Maya’s mother is always in the role of a referee trying to strike a balance between her husband’s outdated ways and her children’s aspirations. Maya also has a younger sister, Mashal.

Maya and Wali are class mates and soon come to like each other. But Maya keeps her engagement a secret from Wali. Waleed, who is possessive about Maya, often drops in at her college without prior intimation, whenever he is in town. This irritates and confuses Maya. On one such occasion, Wali and Waleed get into a fight. Waleed not only complains about the incident to Maya’s father but also humiliates him. Resultantly, the engagement is called off. Maya’s father , in turn, complains to Wali’s family which leads to a heated argument between Jahangir and Wali. Wali storms out of the house promising to return only when he is financially independent.

Wali’s rebellion disrupts the familial landscape. Aaniya goes into depression often contemplating suicide. Amal is unable to bear the pressure of being an exemplary daughter and confesses to Sameer that she has feelings for her cousin, Wali. Sameer starts spending  more time in bad company, gets arrested attending a rave party, is taken out of police custody and brought home by his father. However, Suleman does not criminalise Sameer’s  action instead makes his family understand that a child has to cope with many influences outside home including peer pressure and the urge to be cool and upmarket. A guilty and repentant Sameer promises not to fall prey to such temptations again.

Three sets of parents with three different sets of ideologies on parenting. Should they be judged because of the way they are?

Parvarish is a multi layered drama – a whistleblower for parents. A wake up call to make them aware of the expectations children have of them. It is not always the other way. There are many modes of resolving conflicts in relationships. Accusations and counter accusations widen the rift. Discussions and conversations open the doorway to camaraderie and goodwill required even in case of familial bond. To nurture is to be empathetic and give space to each other. A family is a unit. But this unit comprises different individuals, doesn’t it?

At the same time, it is a gentle nudge to children not to misunderstand their parents readily. It has to be understood that all parents are not equal. Every individual has his or her own way of expressing love and concern. If parents are stern it does not mean they do not care for their children. Strictness can also stem from insecurity and a strong desire to protect the loved ones from the big bad world.

Parents feel they have more experience and are therefore more knowledgeable to guide the children. Children, on the other hand, think they are capable enough to take care of themselves and do not want their parents breathing down their neck. The solution lies somewhere in between – the Golden Mean where both the generations can intersect and connect.

Children have differences of opinion with their parents not acknowledging the fact that sometimes parents know better and what they do or don’t do is to prepare them for the future. On the other hand, parental aspirations should not be forced down on the children. Even if their pursuits and inclinations are not what the parents wish for, children should be given the leeway to try their hand irrespective of whether they succeed or fail. If they succeed it’s a dream come true. If they fail the parents are there as fallbacks. Aren’t they?

All relationships are two way traffic. The stop, wait and go ahead signs are for both sides. One has to just recognise these signals and move accordingly.

This post is incomplete without your participation by way of comments. Tell me your thoughts on the issue. Respectful dissent is welcome.

Pic from Google