Fear

What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

Fear is dynamic.

It evolves with time.

It is not one fear that works inside.

Handicapping, immobilizing, dwarfing us.

In different stages of life we suffer from different fears.

I was a tongue tied, shy child.

Mother pushed me out of my comfort zone – home.

She would send me to buy some item from nearby shops or run errands for her in the neighborhood.

I had to rehearse several times in my head the most ordinary sentence I had to say to the shopkeeper or the neighbour like asking for a bottle of milk or confirming whether the electricity supply was on.

On hindsight, I realize how dreadful it was for me to face people – it still is – somewhere deep within but I have learnt to camouflage that awkwardness or acquired the skill to manage my day to day affairs with or without a hitch.

I have always been very concerned of public opinion. “What will people think of me” has been a common snag in my cerebral programming. I think that is why I have forever been obedient, cautious, rule abiding. Even now.

But somewhere up the path, after stumbling innumerable times, I learnt to question and vocalise against illogicality and senselessness. Again I have never been a confrontationist but chosen the point of intersection where a consensus can be reached with the ‘other’ one. However, many have misinterpreted this attitude as a deliberate avoidance of controversy. Perhaps in a way it is. In the process I have absorbed a lot which has been an exercise in self torture most times. I guess blurting it out is a good antidote to being unnecessarily enduring, brooding and giving too much leeway to people who are in a position to inflict hurt and humiliation.

A perennial financial insecurity has haunted me throughout my working life. It’s laughable actually! On one hand, I have earned, on the other, I have been scared of not having enough. I guess I should have been more financial savvy than fearful. Earning is not enough. Wealth generation from what you earn is the trick of the trade. I have lagged behind in this quarter. And now it’s too late. So, we both live together – me and my lack of financial acumen.

At present I am scared of the sufferings I am going through for the past so many years seeing my mother suffer. I am battling it out like an over exhausted soldier. The fear of giving in, loss, absence and vacuum is an amalgamate of what I am combating presently.

We know there is grief but we cannot handle it. We know there is separation but we still cling on. We know, in the long run, isolation awaits. But the fear of having noone is overwhelming.

I guess the only way is prayer, submission and acceptance. I am working towards it.

Alongside, I am also trying very hard to keep myself mentally and physically fit. I guess that goes a long way to keep you sane.

Last but not the least, I wish to declutter my life. Simplify the way I live. It’s a process which is all encompassing – what I cook, what I eat, what I wear, what is my daily routine and leisure, what I aim for, what I think and what I do to keep myself going. Sounds easy but it’s a complete overhaul.

We have to find our own kingdom of peace and contentment. I don’t want to live to make anybody else happy. I want to be in peace with and happy for myself. I am unambitious about life. I do not have or sell big dreams. I see myself getting detached little by little from everything.

The path of renunciation is very tempting.

Will it be really that easy?