My Shortcomings

What is one thing you would change about yourself?

I have many.

But the one which is most damaging is anger.

Anger is supposed to be one of the six enemies of humans as per Hindu Shastra/Dharma. These enemies are not external but internal which we require to control or completely let go to elevate to a higher level of ‘being’ spiritually as well as as a member of human society.

Unfortunately, mostly one takes pride in one’s shortcomings. I was very proud of my anger. It was my driving force. Also an armour to shield my vulnerabilities. Let’s see who has the gumption to rub me the wrong way ….etc…..etc….

If you are an angry person and you show that off like a medal no one is going to come near you, befriend or disturb you, encroach into your domain, cause you worry or fear. You are left alone. Safe in your cocoon.

Basically, you don’t want trouble. You are non-interfering and peace loving. You want the world to be like you. But it is not. So you use anger as a tool to achieve your safety, security and peace. But that is not a very great solution. It never happens like that.

Anger is killing because it destroys rationale. An angry person does not know what he/she is doing or saying. In fact anger cannot handle a situation properly which is it’s cause. Extreme anger is all the more destructive.

For some, like me, anger is the only expression/ reaction to varied stimulus.

If I am unhappy I am angry

If I feel victimised I am angry.

If something is against my principles I am angry.

If I am hungry I am angry

Yes, you have heard me right. Even hunger can cause anger. 😊 At least in my case.

Getting angry and showing anger are two different things. Sometimes it is necessary to show anger. But then show of anger is in your hand. It is deliberate and to some extent regulated or guided. It’s better than a sudden outburst. Guided anger helps you to make your point home because you have not given up on your ability to rationalise completely. It’s like flying a kite. The thread is in your hands and you know how much to let go and how much not to.

But uncontrollable anger often leads to incoherence of thoughts and speech. Your brain is numbed by the overpowering emotion. You may even pick up something and hit your opponent. It’s kind of temporary madness blinding you.

With my lousy neighbour about whom I have earlier talked about I am often uncontrollably and undeservingly angry. I have violent thoughts where they are concerned. Their way of speaking is most impolite to put it very lightly, they can only see their own perspective which is always most illogical, their actions are beyond the limits of social etiquettes and norms. Now, I am justifying my anger towards them but contrarily I should be laughing it out because they are so idiotic and unworthy of investing any emotion whatsoever.

Recently two of my colleagues betrayed me. One was my lunch partner and too junior. However, she somehow got it into her head that I was conspiring against her. The second one was again a junior whom I was patiently handholding to learn the ropes of my work area as he was to be my successor. Also I took extra care with him because he was specially abled. He made a mistake in work under misguidance by somebody senior. I pointed it out to him and that made him go around defaming me behind my back

In both cases my anger did not germinate out of hurt but in principle I found their actions against basic values which we uphold in interpersonal relations. In the first case, being my colleague of many years, I feel she should have cleared the air with me first before going to the superiors falsely complaining about me. In the second case, just because my successor wished to remain in the good books of the senior, who is incidentally also our boss, thought it easier to put the blame on me rather speak against his boss who wrongly guided him. It was his personal weakness. People cannot be changed. It is we who have to change and perceive actions and thoughts of our opponents from a different angle. Here I fail.

Deeply analysing myself I also feel anger has roots in our growing up days when we were too immature to fight back or give fitting replies to injustices done to us. That anger at the perpetrators as well as at our own selves for not appropriately reacting, rather retaliating, to the situation is somewhere embedded within slowly growing into raging flames devouring us as well as others when there is a recurrence of a similar situation of perceived injustice. Now the issue is injustices proliferate and pervade in every walk of life in one form or the other. Thus, scope of diminishing anger is slim given the situation.

I have tried many methods to let this anger dissipate. Meditation is one of them. Self observation and post facto assessment of how I confronted the stimulus is another. Mostly it’s disastrous. I cannot get normal with a person with whom I have had a show down very easily. That is another blockade which has made me look into other options of facing anger invoking, peace disrupting, bothersome situation.

I also observe others. Their managing abilities. Anger is a wasteful emotion. It drains you. In my case the aftermath is terrible. I get severe headaches and sleepless nights after an ugly confrontation. Ill-health taught me better not to react impulsively. It’s better to talk it out. Clear the misunderstanding or communication gap. Better still to give a piece of my mind without losing equanimity.

Another major obstacle is that I cannot hide my feelings. I am too transparent. There are many who are adept at masking their feelings and then taking a first class revenge at the opportune moment. I am the opposite. I will punch the irritant then and there without a second thought.

So all my readers who suffer from similar malady please read this post carefully. See whether it reaches out to you and makes sense.

Good living is something which is never taught under any syllabus. We have to learn it on our own weighing the pros and cons and what makes us live life without remorse, repentance and resentment.

Till then 👍👍👍