Like The Fish Out Of Water

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This is a prompt which is very close to my heart.

It’s unbelievable but true that in most of the phases in life I have felt out of place. My very few friends politely told me I was ‘different’. I actually don’t know what they meant because they refrained from elaborating.

In school I was clueless and of course friendless. I could not gel with anyone which was a pity. The girls either spent time with their besties or in groups but I had none. My selective few friends were in the elite Science section. What I did not realise at that time was that I was a loner and a dreamer. I loved my own company but did not know what to ‘do’ with myself.

This was a point in life where I got into theatre and spent quite a considerable time in rehearsals. I now realise the passion for stage sprung from an innermost desire to be someone other than what I was. Needless to say I was very good at it and as I have written somewhere I wanted to follow it up as a career. Thank God! I did not. I was not meant for that circle.

I should have concentrated more on studies because that is what I am best at – seeking knowledge. But as I have again said before there was no handholding and guidance for me. Neither did I confide in anyone nor anyone seeing my pathetic plight came forward with gems of advice and that included my family as well. Everybody was busy in their own lives. I was left to fend for myself.

In college I had one good friend and we stuck together. She belonged to an orthodox Punjabi family. I was more disciplined in my ways and did not believe in taking undue advantage of the new found freedom. People did. They bunked classes, made boyfriends, went to see movies or else where. By now I had started taking studies seriously and immersed into it. My comfort zones were classes, notes, library, books and home. My friend tagged along till such time she got infatuated with a law student whom she married later.

A few unforeseen circumstances later when I joined office, I was truly the fish out of water. It was my birth City but I was absolutely new to it having been brought up in a truly cosmopolitan hub. In the unfamiliar and biased surround, the hate they felt towards an ‘outsider’ was palpable and I hated them in return. The most overwhelming thought at that particular juncture was to run away somewhere else. But where? There was nowhere else to go.

Being the tenacious type and burdened with responsibilities, I stayed put. This was the time when I began learning a lot on the job. Fact remained I had no other choice left in life.

When I got back to my hometown I thought I would be happy in familiar surroundings. But I was wrong. Considerable time had elapsed. It was no longer those college days. I learnt very quickly that all cities had the same ethos – othering. I was exceptional again having worked in another city and taken a transfer back on my own accord. It was unthinkable in those times when even working women were confined to a scripted zone of utilization. They were considered fit for being the secretarial assistant to the bosses. Those who had Finance background worked as Officers in the Accounts section. I was put in Administration. Everyone remained on the job they were lucky enough to be put. Nobody thought of potential and aptitude testing and placement based on competency or ability.

This was the time when I gradually found myself. I learnt a lot by mistakes and by misplaced faith. I was made the scapegoat on many occasions. I was known as the quiet officer who kept to her work and I still continue to be the same.

By this time I came to terms with my aloneness. I realised I was different because I had different taste, different journey and a different quest. It was not out of place to be out of place because where life had brought me I was not meant to be. Had it been anywhere else it would have been the same because I belonged to a different league – I was a lone traveller and always would be. So, I let the caravan leave me alone. I continued on my own.

I still do…