Nightmares

Lately I am agonised by a series of nightmares. My shrink says I am not supposed to remember dreams. If I do that means I have not slept properly. Interestingly, I only remember a few foggy vignettes of the “normal” ones while the “abnormal” ones are vivid, intense, deeply etched – photographic…almost cinematic.

Again, surprisingly, these rake up the relational frictions with my nearest ones. Incidents which have embarrassed, repulsed or angered me. Incidents when I have felt I have been misunderstood or not understood at all. Incidents which have mostly taken place in my formative years or when I have started out on my own or much earlier – childhood days.

And times I have felt trapped – not knowing how to get out, hating and unable to adapt to it. Shut out, acutely disappointed and fed up.

Needless to say, a recurrence of theme threads through disturbing experiences. Yes, these are experiences as Swami Sarvapriyanandaji puts it. The dreamer, although in sleep, is experiencing them. I agree with him. Even in dreams I feel the strong currents of emotional reactions welling up – stimulii I respond to instantaneously and involuntarily.

Amazing that in the fag end of my life I am still tormented by confrontations which took place decades back. I can never revert them. Yet I have kept them buried in remote annals of brain and now they have spurred to action. I know not the triggers but I wake up with a bad taste in my mouth always.

How to cope with this endless torture? I do not intend to share with my shrink. Medication is not the sovereign remedy. It is suppression. My sister often suggests meditation before sleep. But for me meditation is falling off to sleep. I guess writing is a good coping process as while doing so I am analysing and introspecting as well. This is my own battle I have to fight it out.

As I write I realise I dream of those times when I was not articulate or vocal or perhaps rebellious enough. I am now. Aggressive, opinionated and speak my mind. What pains are the regrets, so many things unsaid with which I have not come to terms. Isn’t this the time I should be lighter and unload these baggages which I have been carrying for so long without knowing? That cauldron overflowing with angst against those who have endured me and even perhaps grudgingly walked alongside me ?

The ultimate question is why now? Why these negative thoughts surfacing when all my life supports are in the last leg of their journey? I guess this is the realization time. The revealing moments. God says, “See child, what trash you have filled up your bin with. Recycle or delete it forever.”

I guess forgiveness is a great healer. I have been often advised by my elders to do so. But the snake within , raising it’s hood, has always deterred me, “Why should I?” Hatred is a great propeller but it is killing as well. For my own peace, solace and sanity let me change the mantra. Once I used to take pride in saying ” I do not forget or forgive easily.” But let’s upturn that sentence “I do easily forget and forgive. ” In not doing so what have I gained till now? Only accumulated venom which has blackened my soul and bruised my memory?

Is it too late to start all over again? The answer sure is there is no early or late. In Hindi they say it’s morning whenever you wake up. So let this be my awakening moment – a phase to review the innermost self, reorganise the attic of mind and relocate stuff – mop clean the memory slate and focus on the positives that have positioned me as I am today. Let’s not be a bitter but a better soul. Hope this may cure me of my nocturnal anguishes.

Thanks for tolerating my hyperventilations.