Going Ga Ga

This is on my esteemed co-blogger J.Mathur's expressed wish that I am converting one of my FB posts into a blog post.

For all those who are going gaga over the film Gehraayian (released on Amazon Prime), I don’t wish to police over what it was all about (infidelity, dishonesty, duplicity etc. etc.), rather I want to enlist my supreme take-aways from this two and a half hour ordeal (though I was wise enough to watch it in bits and pieces…..)

(1)

Blame your parents for whatever goes wrong in your life because they are the easiest scapegoats.

(2)

Keep on revisiting your miserable past to make it pretty impossible for yourself to move on.

(3)

If you are stagnating in your live-in relationship (paying all the bills and doing the chores while your other half is desperately (not) trying to get over his mind block) look for the nearest opportunity to jump into a torrid affair with anyone who is game for it.

(4)

While fooling around with the ‘other guy’ conveniently forget about contraceptives and other health precautions because you are (brain dead in love) born to complicate your life by suddenly realizing you are carrying an illegitimate off spring.

(5)

To further entangle your already ‘knotty’ life, the secret love of your life has to be your cousin’s fiancé whom you are meeting for the very first time and who how conveniently suffers from chronic (?) back problem which cannot be cured by any orthopaedic in the world but for yourself because you are the most awesome yoga teacher.

(6)

So you give him honorary lessons on all the complex postures starting on the yoga mat to wiggling onto his yacht deck to wherever he and you can remain prostrated for ungodly hours in ungodly….

(7)

This tall, not-so-dark, handsome (to some) and smugly rich fellow knows all the tricks of the trade about how to become a millionaire overnight and does not think twice before rushing into a business alliance without checking on his JV (Joint Venture) Partner’s corporate antecedents.

(8)

And oh! He flaunts a yacht to lure investors to believe in his (not his Company’s) potentials.

(9)

When in financial crisis…..I mean real CRISIS… work out all the weird proposals from hoodwinking your fiancé to abandoning your ‘confidential’ lover because you only know how to become super rich but not how to sustain your net worth.

(10)

And when nothing works out and you know you have really f…..ked up your life, draw out elaborate plans to get rid of all your supposedly near and dear ones (fiancé/ lover/girlfriend etc. etc.) who idiotically swear by your love, loyalty, longitude, latitude and everything beginning with the letter L.

(11)

Thank your Premier for propagating yoga and how indispensable it is for your sustenance because when the Greek God of your life turns into a monstrous Frankenstein you know how breezily you can topple him over into the sea since your muscles are all wired up for the occasion with the daily dose of Anulome Vilome.

(12)

In the process be ready to be blackmailed by your lover’s ‘wakeful’ partner and some godforsaken snoopy octogenarian “Ms. Marple” whom you had unexpectedly bumped into at your ex’s reception and who remembers seeing you with your dead lover at the nick of the moment when you are innocently making up with your cousin whose fiancé you had misappropriated, mis-utilized and manhandled without batting an eyelid.

(13)

And last but not the least when your blameworthy parent suddenly turns out to be the sacrificial goat you unabashedly vouch to take care of him (or whatever’s left of his days on mother earth) coolly overlooking how you mistreated him throughout and quickly forgive yourself for doing so coz you are, after all, still the self loving, half-knowing maasoom baccha.

In the final analysis, of all the above, my most fav is the eleventh commandment as I am proposing to join the early morning free of cost do-good-to-others yoga sessions in the MCD park asap with the hope that someday I gain the desired muscular mobility to dunk some of my chosen foes (mind it I have a loooong hit list) into the Pacific.

Lastly I sign off with the fourteenth commandment

Switch over to skimpier outfits (ignoring all the emma chhi chhis of the well meaning neighborhood aunties) as you stumble from one karmic deficiency to the other, from one gaping wormhole to the other and from one breathtaking (literally) soul stealer to the other.

Just to sprinkle a bit more spice to the already over-spiced gravy, use the F word nth time in quarter of a sentence to prove all and sundry that you indeed are a desi-umrican having evolved your own extra-ordinary sanskaar of self-respect, dignity, decorum and decency.

Disclaimer : This is no way an (un)conventional review of an orbit shifting block bluster.

Shakun Batra how could you…..?